How to gently tell someone to STFU at movies

Cultural Geek Girl

So I have a friend. Of my local friends she shares more of my interests than anyone else, she's really nice, and we're planning on becoming roommates soon. There's just one problem.

She talks during movies. Loud enough that anyone sitting in a 2-3 seat radius can hear her, though not loud enough to disturb the whole theater. She also talks during serious TV shows and sometimes makes me miss dialogue. It's sometimes MST-wannabe stuff... like "Aw, that was my favorite robot!" in a recent movie where a robot falls into the ocean. The thing is, I know how awful it is to be at the movies when someone is talking, and even quietly shushing her every time she said something during the movie didn't do anything. Eventually, the guy sitting next to her actually moved a seat away.

Other times it's just commentary, reactions to things that use spoken words rather than just audible gasps or laughter. Like if something awesome happens, she'll say "awwwww yeah, you go girl." I wouldn't begrudge her this at home when not watching something serious, but whenever it's something highly engaging and dramatic that benefits from suspension of disbelief, it really bothers me. And in public? Quel horreur.

I'm not sure what to do. I mean, the obvious solution is to say "hey, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't talk during this," but if I say that every time we watch anything, I'm worried that I'll come off like a jerk, especially when we're watching stuff at home. Getting her to not talk in the theater is the first step, but I'd like to have a greater conversation about this later on, especially if we're going to be roommates.

Thoughts?

bloatedhippo

I think you already know the answer. "Hey, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't talk during this". If you have to say it every single time, then it's not you being a jerk it's her.

Quid

If you are politely asking someone to not talk during a movie you are not coming off like a jerk. That is not a thing that's possible.

k-maps

SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE HOLE BEFORE I TEAR YOU A NEW ASSHOLE. THERE IS A REASON WE ARE STARING AT THIS GLOWING BOX AND NOT AT YOUR INCESSANT DRONING CHATTY MOUTH YOU ATTENTION-STARVED WHORE.

A bit much? Or how about "haha, I like your commentary but I'm obsessed with this show. You can keep talking, but I will have to kill you..."

TehSpectre

Talking in movies is the most unexcusable shame someone can commit in life.

Just let her know that you can't stand it when she talks in a theater. I feel as though you've thrown some off-hand comments about it her way, but actually have a talk with her about it before you go into a theater again. No cell phone. No talking.

I talk during TV shows and stuff, so I can't help you there, but I will always be the guy throwing popcorn at anyone talking in a theater.

chrishallett83

"I'm here to watch this, not listen to you."

That's just how it is. If you've asked her to be quiet before and she still talks, that's on her, not you. It's rude to be making noise during movies/television. If she can't sit down and shut the fuck up, it's on her, not you.

chrishallett83

Double post, sorry. I don't even have the 2xPOST materia equipped?

V1m

"Hey. Shut up. Thanks."

Quid

Ooh, if you live near one take her to an Alamo Draft House.

They have no trouble telling someone to be quiet.

Godfather

Just sack up and tell her to cram it.

Edd

Agree with the "politely explain" advice, but I would just add that it could be worth it to gently but firmly illustrate to her why this is important to you. Explain that it's not just a matter of simple etiquette - that you greatly value the experience of taking in a film, and when she interrupts in the way she does, she's actually doing something personally offensive.

If she's a decent person, and she respects you, she'll stop. If not, well, then you just learned something about your friend.

TehSpectre

Basically, people who do this kind of stuff (usually) don't realize they're being a dick. Just shushing them or telling them to be quiet wont help because they don't get it.

15 year olds who talk during a movie are idiots and teenagers. Adults who talk through a movie are either narcissistic assholes who don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves, or they just can't comprehend someone getting upset at talking during a film.

The first example we cannot help, they are far too gone.

The second example can learn to be productive cinema goers.

Tox

I mean, if you haven't had the "don't talk during movies, it's rude, annoying, and lessens the experience" talk yet, have that talk. Like, after the next time you guys watch a movie at home and she ruins it, just explain it. Be clear, be polite, but be honest.

After that, the next time you're out and she starts gabbing just look at her and say, "Do you mind?" and gesture to the screen. She keeps going? Get up and move.

Yes, seriously. Get up and move to another seat, away from your friend, whom you came with to see this movie. That is a jarring action, and it will (hopefully) give her something to think about.

If she keeps it up, just sack up and go see the movies you like alone.

flowerhoney

I am 100% "that person" who can not shut up lol

Just tell your friend to shh! If you're the joking kind of friend you can make a joke about how noisy she is, but as a person with a lot to say if you don't say anything she'll just keep on talking

And if she reacts poorly you can explain in more detail why you want her to be quiet, and if she still doesn't get it then don't go with her to watch movies in public

Mortious

I agree that you have to talk to her about this. Be polite.

However, expect her to be offended. She might not be, and that'll be nice. But people tend to be irrational when it comes to criticism, so try to keep that in mind and remain calm and polite.

Iruka

I dont talk through movies/tv, but I do find them sort of insufferable to sit through on a regular basis because of my attention span being low.

In the theatre, thats just rude and annoying and you should talk to her about it. If you need stark silence during movies and TV, though, I would consider watching some of the stuff that is important to you alone. Unless shes the type of person who says this stuff out loud even when shes by herself (possible) Shes probably just doing it because she'd rather be engaged and social with you than completely watch the TV, so missing some dialog doesn't seem as important. Just pick shows where missing a line here and there wont matter, and watch those with her.

This is just a hypothesis, though, maybe talking to her will make her stop completely.

darqness

We usually have a lot of friends over on the weekends and end the night in the living room watching TV or a movie together. In that situation if someone starts talking loudly I grab the remote and turn the volume up x100. Most people think it's funny and the offending person stops.

LaPuzza

Try saying "I think that person a row behind us wants to beat you up for talking, so don't feel bad if I help her do it."

see317

Whatever advice you choose to follow, please do so before or after the movie.
Because the only thing (IMO) more annoying then some schmuck who won't stop talking during a movie is an echoing schmuck who won't stop trying to get the first schmuck to shut up.

bowen

see317 wrote: »

Whatever advice you choose to follow, please do so before or after the movie.
Because the only thing (IMO) more annoying then some schmuck who won't stop talking during a movie is an echoing schmuck who won't stop trying to get the first schmuck to shut up.

If "Hey. Shut up. Thanks." doesn't work, get an usher/manager. It sucks because you lose like 10 minutes of the film, but, better than being pissed off for 2 hours.

Ask for a refund too.

ceres

It is dismaying to me how many people in this thread have a blind spot for the word "gently" and are giving advice that is pretty inappropriate under the circumstances. Please keep advice appropriate to the request.

MichaelLC

Next time one of her relatives dies, talk during the eulogy then ask, "How do you like it!?"

Or if they all seem too healthy, be direct but gentle - "Hey Friend, sorry I missed that last part." bloatedhippo's comment was good too. Better to just say it than try to turn up the volume or wait until someone freaks out in the theater.

JohnnyCache

I would ask, after the movie, "Why do you think it's OK to talk during movies?" and see what she says. I find some people don't like the movie and think it's ok to "MST3K" it on their own. Other people just genuinely don't get it. This is INCREDIBLY frustrating to me. It's like talking to someone who doesn't get that you don't shit yourself in an elevator. I also talk to people who - for whatever reason - don't detect other people talking. Like I will listen to an entire, long convo the people behind us in a movie had, when we get out I'll mention it to the people I'm with, and they'll somehow not have noticed or overheard.

Sometimes people also want to prove they "get" the movie or prove they are having a good time.

Once you get her take on it, you have a chance to redeem this person

The Ender

I think what you put into the OP is the best way to go, or a few gentle "Shhh!" nudges during the show if she talks.

Some people really don't realize what they're doing when they talk during a movie, and I imagine this is the case here, so you'll just be raising her consciousness. It's not a jerk move at all, and (hopefully) you'll be able to get her out of the habit with just a few nudges.

cabsy

I had no idea that there was such a rabid hatred of people who talk at all during movies or tv shows! The thing is she probably doesn't realize that either. If she's the type of person to talk during shows or movies, most of her friends probably are/were also; I don't think I've ever had any friends who aren't movie talkers. It's totally normal for us to be like 'hey shut up so I can listen to this part' when there is serious dialogue or something small going on but otherwise? Nah. So what I would recommend as a person who does this, the best way to approach me about it would just be to say BEFORE THE SHOW OR MOVIE "Hey I have a hard time focusing on shows or movies if somebody's talking, can we talk after?" Because I guarantee approaching it with a "hey can you not talk" or shushing or pausing the movie repeatedly will make her defensive; if you say I can't focus when someone talks, you're making it about you instead of putting her on the defensive and hurting her feelings. Don't wait until the middle of the movie when she's made a crack about the color of that lady's dress right as someone said some line of important dialogue, because you will be frustrated and it will come across and she'll get defensive and nothing will be solved and feelings will be hurt on both sides.

I'm also assuming, from your OP, that she's just making comments or jokes occasionally instead of a constant stream of HEY WHAT'S GOING ON WHO'S THAT WHAT'S THAT GUY'S NAME IS HE THE BAD GUY WHO'S THAT ACTOR THEY LOOK FAMOUS WHAT'S GOING ON NOW, which I think is what has some people so mad?

chupamiubre

MichaelLC wrote: »

Next time one of her relatives dies, talk during the eulogy then ask, "How do you like it!?"

Or if they all seem too healthy, be direct but gentle - "Hey Friend, sorry I missed that last part." bloatedhippo's comment was good too. Better to just say it than try to turn up the volume or wait until someone freaks out in the theater.

Grandmas funeral and the latest super hero movie. The same thing THE SAME EXACT THING!

peetsnack

Have you considered not participating in movie watching with this person? What about sitting far enough away to not be affected? From my experience, there are simply people who want to discuss during media enjoyment and people who want to discuss afterwards. It has worked best for me just to group with the people who share in my choice.

zagdrob

The best (and somewhat diplomatic) way I've found is - and you can only do this at home - if someone starts talking, pause the movie / show, turn to them and make eye contact, and let them finish.

If they ask why you paused, tell them that you have trouble listening to them and the movie / show at the same time, and if what they had to say was important enough to interrupt the show, you wanted to give them your full attention.

It might take a few times to get the point across, and it's more effective with someone TALKING vs. someone throwing out occasional comments, but it works...most of the time anyway.

shutz

I went to see Iron Man 3 last night, and some lady had brought her baby. Throughout the movie, I heard the baby crying sporadically, babbling, coughing repeately. I she had another, slightly older child (say, 3-4) who was better-behaved, but still talked a little during the movie. If it had only been the second child, I would have had no problems, it's the baby that really pissed me off.

After the movie, I went up to her and her two kids, and said:

"Why the fuck do you bring a baby to a movie? How the fuck is that baby going to appreciate the movie? Do you have shit for brains?"
"I couldn't get a babysitter."
"Then don't fucking go to the movies. Watch the DVD or bluray when it comes out. Nobody's forcing you to go to the fucking movies. Nobody's forcing you to fuck up their moviegoing experience."
"Please stop swearing in front of my children."
"Your fucking children shouldn't even be here. Do you get the fucking point? I'm swearing at you so you'll get that you shouldn't have brought your kids here. You shouldn't fucking be here. You should be at home, taking care of them, instead of ruining my movie. You can come back when you can find a babysitter, or when your children are old and mature enough to behave themselves and not ruin the movie for the other people there. You should pay me back what I fucking paid for to see the movie, since you fucking ruined it."
"I'm leaving."
"Good."

Or that's what I would have said if I'd had the balls (and if I hadn't been with other people who didn't seem to be as annoyed as I was.) Also, I don't usually swear much. I only do it when I specifically need to drive a point across, like I do here.

Djeet

Yeah, don't be a potty mouth here. You think it's for emphasis but it sucks when you hear "fuck" from your toddlers especially when you've moved heaven and earth to stop swearing casually. Seriously you have no fucking excuse here. You're free to say what you want, but don't think your swearing angrily at their parent isn't going to affect the child in some way (and likely not the way you are intending). The kids are also listening and observing the interaction, particularly so if the parent is agitated.

I'm all for not having to deal with kids at movies (I get a babysitter when it isn't a child-firendly environment), but that is something the cinema should enforce. Alamo Drafthouse has a strict no kids policy outside of baby day (Tuesdays before 2PM). Most Regal/AMC and whatnot cinemae don't give a shit if kids or people are talking during the film and if that matters much to you (it does to me) go to a cinema that gives a fuck about user experience.

To deal with shushing a talker: shame them. Whisper that the other hundred plus people didn't pay $10+ to listen to you personal chat or your commentary.

Taranis

Maybe you should pull her aside before you watch something and say something to the effect of "I really enjoy watching movies and shows with you, but could we please save the talking for after we're done watching them?"

You shouldn't have to say it every time you watch something. She should get the hint, or you should consider watching things without her.

k-maps

You should treat it almost as a sensitive cultural difference. When I go out with my Korean friends I don't get all haughty when they want us all to share our plates. You two were raised with different etiquette, one considers viewing sacred, the other emphasizes it as largely a distraction embedded within a social activity. Neither of these views is inherently superior to the other. I, too, find it annoying sometimes when people talk through shows that I like. But, sometimes I'm also struck by the absurdity of sitting around with my friends that I'm supposedly spending time with so I can enjoy, you know, SPENDING TIME WITH them...but instead waste all this precious time reverently gazing at a flickering screen. What's the point? I say, if there is a show/movie you don't want to talk through, simply make it an activity you do on your own...otherwise, it seems fairly pointless to have friends over in the first place (unless you're a couple cuddling, in which case, that's totally rad). I know many people, including myself, who make a point viewing certain shows/movies by themselves for this exact purpose. It's like playing a single-player game and getting annoyed that the other person wants to play or is providing commentary while you're playing.

EDIT: This is assuming of course it is not in a public theater, in which case, yeah you should tell her no to do that.

JohnnyCache

cabsy wrote: »

I had no idea that there was such a rabid hatred of people who talk at all during movies or tv shows! The thing is she probably doesn't realize that either. If she's the type of person to talk during shows or movies, most of her friends probably are/were also; I don't think I've ever had any friends who aren't movie talkers. It's totally normal for us to be like 'hey shut up so I can listen to this part' when there is serious dialogue or something small going on but otherwise? Nah. So what I would recommend as a person who does this, the best way to approach me about it would just be to say BEFORE THE SHOW OR MOVIE "Hey I have a hard time focusing on shows or movies if somebody's talking, can we talk after?" Because I guarantee approaching it with a "hey can you not talk" or shushing or pausing the movie repeatedly will make her defensive; if you say I can't focus when someone talks, you're making it about you instead of putting her on the defensive and hurting her feelings. Don't wait until the middle of the movie when she's made a crack about the color of that lady's dress right as someone said some line of important dialogue, because you will be frustrated and it will come across and she'll get defensive and nothing will be solved and feelings will be hurt on both sides.

I'm also assuming, from your OP, that she's just making comments or jokes occasionally instead of a constant stream of HEY WHAT'S GOING ON WHO'S THAT WHAT'S THAT GUY'S NAME IS HE THE BAD GUY WHO'S THAT ACTOR THEY LOOK FAMOUS WHAT'S GOING ON NOW, which I think is what has some people so mad?

I am seriously, and I don't mean to snark here, but seriously curious: How do you somehow grow up minus the awareness that you're not supposed to talk in a movie? How do you have no idea that if I pay to watch a movie, I'm not paying for people around me to jabber like it is in their living room?

noir_blood

I think it's more forgivable, or at least understandable when it happens in someone's home.

But at a movie theater? You're parents didn't raise you right if you talk through a movie.

ceres

Having to read this thread is like being tied to a chair while someone runs their fingernails down a chalkboard over and over.

People do not always realize what they are doing when they talk through a movie, you fucking dicks. Not everyone who wants a different viewing experience is trying to ruin your fucking day. Some of you are actually pretty terrible if this is how you think of other people. And someone who feels the need to curse and run their mouth at someone else in front of their small children over that is someone I would be embarrassed to call a friend. Grow up.

If I really want to watch a movie or show with someone who I know is going to talk through the whole thing for whatever reason, but I want to be able to hear everything perfectly and this person is a friend or loved one I want to be able to share it with, I watch it by myself first. It usually works out nicely because I almost always catch things I missed the first time around and also enjoy the other person's reaction without having to feel angry because they want a more active viewing experience. If you're blunt with your friend and she can't get it but you still want to be able to share this stuff with her, I would switch to this tactic.