Post the first three sentences of your work-in-progress!

ElJeffe

Okay, here are the rules:

Post the first three sentences of your novel, novella, or whatever long-form work you're currently working on. People can then comment on your work, based strictly on those three sentences. You do not get to post four sentences, or five, or a whole chapter. You do not get to tell us anything else about your story. You don't get to allude to what's going to happen next. You get three sentences, period.

The idea is to approximate what a potential reader will see if he's browsing through random books in a book store, or on Amazon. If you haven't grabbed his attention after a few sentences, you've probably already lost him. Is this harsh? Yes. Welcome to novel-writing!

Each post in here should be either A) the first three sentences of your work, submitted without comment, or a critique of someone else's submission. Please try to keep your own submissions in separate posts from your commentary on others' works, and please use separate posts for critiques of separate submissions. It should help make things easier to parse. Posting revisions of your opening sentences based on criticisms is also okay.

I'll post mine as well, to get this party jumpin'.

ElJeffe

A pair of guards dressed in gray marched patterns along the chainlink that defined the outer perimeter of the old warehouse complex. They walked towards each other, grunted perfunctory greetings, then walked away again, casting stark shadows beneath floodlights that swept in lazy quarter-circles. After they passed, a five-count, and Alister Gounaris dropped from the fence above into the yard, darting into a pocket of deep black before his legs registered the pain of sticking a twelve-foot fall.

Quoth

I think that works well enough in that it sets up the location, time, and apparent main character, as well as making us wonder why he's breaking into this place. I'd probably keep reading to see what's up. There may be a few too many modifiers in there, could be tightened, but overall it's fine.

Quoth

George parked his truck in front of the baby blue house just in time to hear a woman scream inside. He sighed and turned off the engine, unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door.

“Shouldn’t we hurry?” Lola asked, jumping out of the passenger's seat and following him around to the back of the truck.

CptHamilton

I agree with Quoth regarding interest, but the first sentence really bothered me. I had to try 4 or 5 times to figure out what you were saying because my brain absolutely refused to parse "...dressed in gray marched patterns along...' as meaning something other than men dressed in gray patterned clothing but I could not figure out what a 'marched pattern' was or where the verb was in the sentence. But honestly that's probably just me; I'm weird.

Amalia

Quoth, I love that he just sighs, and it makes me wonder why that's his response because it's so atypical, especially juxtaposed against Lola's apparent concern!

ElJeffe, I think, for me, it is too much setting/description, but that is because I am really, really particular. I almost wish we had a something setting us up as being in Alister's head from sentence one, so there is a context to the description/guards a bit sooner. The way it is now, I'm thinking "guards, sure, why do I care?"

Amalia

“You worthless, filthy rakki.” Thor held Adam by the collar, lifting him up off his feet and shaking him like a rag doll. Adam gripped the god’s wrists and hung on, doing his best to keep himself in one piece under the circumstances.

VanityPants

@ElJeffe -- I agree with Quoth in that it works but I think it could be tightened. There are some things that feel clunky when read to me. For instance, the very first part of the first sentence ("A pair of guards dressed in gray marched patterns") -- the gray marched patterns part trips me up each time I read it.

The guard routine also seems pretty bland, which seems to be what you're going for (business as usual), but judging just on the first three sentence it makes it feel a little boring. I think you could cut the second sentence entirely without loss.

Quoth

Amalia: rag doll, come on! Trite. But starting with a fight is good because now I want to know why they are fighting.

ElJeffe

Amalia: I agree with the Quoth re: the triteness of "rag doll". I'd probably also nix "...under the circimstances," because I don't think it tells us anything useful and is a cliched turn of phrase. Other than that, it's a strong opening.

ElJeffe

Quoth: I like the contrast in the first sentence between the girl screaming and the guy just sighing. The first two sentences in particular are a very efficient way of establishing action and characterization and making us care in just a few words.

ElJeffe

Re: my own piece, yeah, I agree it needs some tightening, and on rereading it's clear that the first sentence is all kinds of ambiguous. Would it work better if I just started with the third sentence and then established the setting slightly later?

Something like:

Alister Gounaris watched the guards amble past, counted to five, and dropped from the fence above into the warehouse complex, darting into a pocket of shadow before his legs registered the pain of sticking a twelve-foot fall. He pressed his back against the corrugated wall of one squat building and glanced at the guards in turn. Neither looked back, nor even paused.

VanityPants

The song grew in the setting darkness: the steel swords banging on shields, the chain mail shaking, the sound of war come calling. Fog crawled all across the coast, hiding corpses half buried in the sand, covering everything so the world seemed gray and dead but for the pounding, pounding, pounding in his skull.

"Altair," a voice hissed in his ear, drawing him back to himself, "your head is bleeding again."

ElJeffe

Also, I amended the OP to establish that revisions based on crits are okay, because that was ambiguous before. And no, I didn't just do that so I could post my own revision.

VanityPants

Jeffe: I think it's much better starting with the third sentence. The only thing we need to know immediately is that he's sneaking past some guards.

I think the new opening works better.

Quoth

Yeah, it still sets up the main components and is more active. Better.

VP, same deal. You might also consider moving the first sentence to the beginning, because a bleeding dude is compelling to start with.

ElJeffe

Agree with Quoth, VP. The final sentence is really good. You have some strong imagery in the first couple sentences, but the last sentence is a better place to start.

Magell

VP you should change that guys name to something that isn't the main character of Assassin's Creed, but that might just be a me thing. I'd change the second use of cover in the second sentence and just have the fog make everything seem gray and dead. I also agree with Quoth about moving the last sentence to the beginning.

Boo, Amalia, just putting up some stuff from later in your series that we can't read yet. So mean.

Jeffe I'd get rid of 'back' in the third sentence. I think with just neither guard looked or paused it flows a little better. I kind of liked the original version because I find it difficult to start a story with anything other than the characters name.

Xagarath

Mary was woken that morning by a sound she'd never heard before. It was a keen; a high, sharp wail that bounced off the walls, rattled down the hallway and shot up the stairs. Struggling out of bed, she followed the noise down and found her mother hunched on the doormat, sobbing into the letter she clutched between her hands.

Quoth

I am almost always prejudiced against things that start with a person waking up. It is a big pet peeve of mine.

Quoth

Okay, that wasn't helpful. I think the thing that start is missing is mostly a stronger sense of the initial context. We have a character and her mother, but waking up doesn't establish the tone very strongly, or the setting. It does make me want to know why her mother is crying, so that works, but I think no one would assume that such a situation was normal unless you were to indicate otherwise, so saying that she'd never heard the sound before isn't really useful.

VanityPants

Xagarath: Agreed. And specifically "was woken" is extremely passive. If you're dead set on her waking up at the start, begin with the sound she hears. Jump directly into the keening and skip the "a sound she'd never heard before" bit, too, as that doesn't help us at all.

The context of the three sentences makes me really curious, I just think you can make it a lot more active and make the imagery more evocative.

--

Thanks for the comments, guys! Starting with a line of dialogue as the first line of a book is something I've always been kind of wary of, but I think you're right and that it's a stronger place to start.

Baron Dirigible

ElJeffe wrote: »

Re: my own piece, yeah, I agree it needs some tightening, and on rereading it's clear that the first sentence is all kinds of ambiguous. Would it work better if I just started with the third sentence and then established the setting slightly later?

Something like:

Alister Gounaris watched the guards amble past, counted to five, and dropped from the fence above into the warehouse complex, darting into a pocket of shadow before his legs registered the pain of sticking a twelve-foot fall. He pressed his back against the corrugated wall of one squat building and glanced at the guards in turn. Neither looked back, nor even paused.

I honestly prefer the original, "grey marched patterns" notwithstanding. (I also don't like "grunted perfunctory greetings", while I'm at it.) Your original lines work better for me because it sets up the location and mood a bit earlier, and then introduces Alister more suitably: by dropping him quickly and suddenly into the narrative. I think that by opening from his perspective we lose a certain element of surprise that suits the action well. (I mean, as much surprise as we can expect from three lines.)

dresdenphile

This was the place. At 3:43 p.m. on October 4th, Heather Monarch gets off her bus at 4th and Pine, walks a block down and makes a left, and isn’t seen again until her body is found in a nearby cemetery, naked and violated.

“Well, I don’t know about all that,” Frank says to himself as he sips his Coke and opens another granola bar, flinging the wrapper into the back seat.

bigrickcook

She awoke and wished that she were dreaming. The worst nightmare would be preferable to watching the slow death of her family. At least nightmares end, she thought.

VanityPants

Dresdenphile: Great opening lines. I don't think the words "naked and violated" really do anything for me here. Her body found in a cemetery is enough of a shock that the "naked and violated" part just kind of sits there.

But that's being nitpicky. I like the opening a lot and would read on.

VanityPants

Bigrickcook: The language here is kind of wooden. Unless you're going for that antiquated feeling, shake out some words and make it more natural. "She awoke and wished that she were dreaming" becoming something like "She woke up wishing she was still dreaming" -- simple, little changes.

The second sentence isn't as evocative as it could be. Show us instead of telling us.

I like the last line, though without the solid middle it kind of falls flat and reads as a bit of a cliche because of it.

tapeslinger

"At least nightmares end." is the most unique part of that opening line, bigrick. I feel like it really could use some more unique qualities to give the reader more than "Oh. Another story that opens with someone waking up."

tapeslinger

and, to prove I put my money where my mouse is, how's about the new opening of a story some of you have already beaten to death:

WELCOME TO LEWISTON, read the small handpainted sign at the crest of the hill.
"Not much to be welcome to, mind ya," Clayton Holloway muttered. The sheriff fanned his face with his hat.

Magell

Alex held onto the strut of the open door of the Hammersmith as it touched down on RM-362, the home of a group of pirates who were in for a bad day. The ship dropped to just three meters above the ground and he led the platoon onto the ground with his rifle up and ready to fire. Two straight lines of nine soldiers dropped out of the ship before it lifted away from the surface.

tapeslinger

that first sentence is so much information, Magell, and the second one "ground" is there twice. I like that this opens with action and sets the scene and gives us a character to latch onto viewpoint, though.

VanityPants

Tapeslinger: I'm not feeling a lot to sink my teeth into here. I'm a little interested in Clayton's comment, but there's not a whole lot of action or setting/imagery to really draw me in immediately.

VanityPants

Magell: Like Tape said, the first sentence is clunky. "the strut of the open door of the Hammersmith" is a strange wording and made me double back to figure out what was going on. The second part of the sentence is telling and you can probably chop it.

The second sentence provides a hint of setting and the ships floating above ground pique my interest, but then the third sentence has me back in muddled-ville. Two lines of nine isn't exactly complex math, but it's forcing my brain to think about tiny details when I want to see a big picture.

bigrickcook

Upgraded version, I hope?

Annelie sat up amid the bloated corpses of her friends and family. They didn't stink yet, thank God. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, thinking, At least you get to wake from nightmares.

bigrickcook

Tapeslinger:

Given that the sign is your opening line, I think you may be able to imbue it with some character that becomes indicative of the town. I'm just spitballing here since I don't know anything else, but instead of just 'small, handpainted' you could try and go with something more like A small, handcrafted sign half gone to rot and painted with a shaky hand read WELCOME TO LEWISTON. Suddenly your sign completely evokes a very specific idea of a town, and if the town is going to be a central "character" it may be worth setting up first and foremost.

I enjoy the bit of dialogue, but I also think you could combine the sheriff's hat-fanning with his opening line and suddenly you have a new third line all lined up.

Kamar

Locke’s plan hadn’t included a broken nose.

Getting handcuffed, chained to a chair, smacked around a little, no problem, but letting them break his nose sucked. Pain blocking techs couldn't stop him from feeling and tasting the blood trickling across his busted lip and down his chin, through his sinuses and into his throat.

Magell

Kamar the last sentence drags on a little too long. There's too much description of where the blood is going at the end. Probably be better making it feeling the blood down his chin and tasting it in his throat. Just to tighten it up.

tapeslinger

You always forget something, before a hard wipe. There's always some lingering folder of missing vidrefs unnoticed until its deletion can be verified. Finality draws a line where data is not missed until it is severed; some helical confabulation.

tapeslinger

bigrickcook wrote: »

Tapeslinger:

Given that the sign is your opening line, I think you may be able to imbue it with some character that becomes indicative of the town. I'm just spitballing here since I don't know anything else, but instead of just 'small, handpainted' you could try and go with something more like A small, handcrafted sign half gone to rot and painted with a shaky hand read WELCOME TO LEWISTON. Suddenly your sign completely evokes a very specific idea of a town, and if the town is going to be a central "character" it may be worth setting up first and foremost.

I enjoy the bit of dialogue, but I also think you could combine the sheriff's hat-fanning with his opening line and suddenly you have a new third line all lined up.

I like your revision! nonliteral tons more unique.

I thought about putting the second sentence in with the third one mine, but it feels really crammed. I cut some description from the sign in another draft; I might rearrange. (Pretty sure the current draft is just getting to the overworked-into-putty phase, bleh.)

dresdenphile

Round after round rang out in the lobby, and each bullet flattened against the intruder's glossy black armor.

The empty chamber of the guard's gun clicked. Armorcide glanced down at the still smoking spots on his armor, quickly closed the distance between himself and the guard, and lifted the man by the neck with one hand

dresdenphile

O’Malley’s Pub looked like it was fairly empty for a Thursday night. Ladies night or karaoke or a Golden Tee tournament or something usually going on; rain must be keeping people out, Donny thought to himself.

He held the crumpled note up and read it again: Distinguished gentleman looking to liberate item of interest from estate of disgruntled former business partner.