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Asking out a restaurant hostess?
Posts
...and none of this has anything to do with the OP's...situation.
To the OP, pretty much everything needs to be said has been said. You need to understand that what you're thinking on doing is potentially the most creepy/stalker/rude things a person can do. If this does not go your way, you will likely need to not go to that restaurant too often, in case she's working. You probably want to not be there when she is for a while when this doesn't work out.
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If you are going to do something, do the 'here's my name and number, call if you're interested' and leave it at that. However, without anything that sounds like any real 'connection', even that's pushing it. You need more than 'eye contact'.
Also, you frequent this place with your family, so you don't really have the option of being shot down and not coming back. If it even registers for her (sucks, but she might not even remember you) she may dread every time you and your family show up...waiting for you to ask again / ask why she didn't call, try to 'bump into her', etc.
Here's another thing - you sound somewhat introverted and...frankly...inexperienced talking to women. I've been there, and this is going to come off as being an uncomfortable and awkward 'line and run away' thing. It's not going to be smooth, and she probably has much smoother guys asking her out all the time. There is nothing wrong with asking someone who is out of your league...but you need to have a realistic reason to think why they would say yes.
Here's a good rule of thumb that might be very helpful. Before you even think of asking someone out, be able to articulate a few reasons WHY other than 'she looks pretty and might be interested'. If you haven't talked enough to find out what you have in common, and aren't being setup by friends...it's very much a longshot. It's one thing to meet someone at a pick-up bar or a party for a one-night stand, or even have that meet turn into something more...but most normal guys don't just start dating random pretty girls they see by throwing a line their way.
Basically though, just expect rejection and don't beat yourself up over it. Lots of fish in the sea and all that.
#FreeScheck
#FreeSKFM
-You still live/associate with your family
-You are staring at her inappropriately
-You are using creepy pickup lines
-You are asking out someone you have never met, and who has probably not noticed you as anything but a customer, to go out (which also means you have been watching her more than she has you, which implies a stalker like situation regardless of your intentions)
-You are asking her out while she is working and forced to interact with you out of obligation and/or tips
Lets look at what you know about her:
-She is pretty
-She is a waitress
There is no authentic personal interaction at all with this exchange. Any action you take with be weird at best and creepy/dangerous at worst. Unless you are Steve McQueen and she is something of a superficial flake, there is no way she would be interested in you from the limited exchange you have had to date.
You need to have some sort of personal interaction on an equitable level in order to foster a relationship. This means both parties need to be able to leave at any time, need to be willing and receptive of interaction, and need to be comfortable saying no. If you and her were both frequenting a bar and sat next to eachother to chat, that would be one thing. The position is equal for both of you. In this you hold all of the perceptive power and regardless of what you do are being unfair to her both as someone providing you a service and as a human being.
— Robert Heinlein
There is nothing wrong in going back, and try to have a short conversation, asking her name and compliment her diligence and professionalism, perhaps you could obtain her name.
Don't let your expectations grow to big, but be confident though, and learn to be gentle. Respect her space if you notice she is too busy.
I say you leave her a little note before you leave. Don't be verbose, just give your contact info. When you are leaving the note, don't be weird about it; as in, don't tell your waiter to give it to her, don't go trawling through the restaurant, 'yo where is the cute waitress?'. If circumstances wont let you be discreet just let it go.
If she doesn't respond be prepared to never return to that diner because its just really uncomfortable for everyone involved. If she'd actively flirted with you I'd be more bold but all you've told us is that she's been acting polite (because it is her job). If you see her outside of work, give it a shot. But hitting on people at work doesn't usually go over very well, particularly in customer facing positions like she is in. She probably gets ogled and hit on all the time, the flattery starts to wear thin at some point.
I'm going to say disregard about 90% of the advise in the thread and go for it. Everyone has valid points, especially about hitting on someone that is working. However you like the girl, her work is the only place you actual know her from (unless I missed something), and you don't have a realistic way to initiate any type of contact that doesn't involve stalkerish type tactics outside of her work.
Go with your original plan EXCEPT dial back with the " wanting to tell you that I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen" thing. Just go in when they are not busy and ask her if she would like to grab a cup of coffee some time. Keep it casual and make it quick because she is working. Take your shot and let us know how it went
That is 100% the wrong reason to ask someone out. Period.
— Robert Heinlein
Without thread jacking (sorry if it is ceres) I respectfully disagree. I read your post above and understand the point your trying to make but, it also leaves very little room for human interaction beyond what your narrowing into acceptable means of interaction.
Let's be honest here. He posted for advise on how to ask someone out on a date cold. Everyone seems to be warning him away and almost making it sound like he would be a creeper for doing so. Why so harsh everyone? My advise was take a shot but tone it down from the OP. This IS normal social interaction or at least it was in our parents and grand parents ages. Just thank god he asked for advise so he didn't use that pick up line......
If he frequented the diner regularly and this lady was bantering back with him at a regular basis, such as what would have been the case in our parents age, that sort of human interaction first would allow for future date setup. If your grandparent walked into a place and asked out a pretty waitress after watching her from afar it would be an absolute creeper thing then too.
— Robert Heinlein
Twice, I have asked out waitresses ("Would you like to go have a coffee sometime?") at a restaurant. The context, both times, was that:
1) I was in the lounge, on my own.
2) The waitresses had stopped, sat with & chatted with me about my work / their work / crazy people.
3) It was Hella late, the place was dead, the waitresses were not busy.
Both times the waitresses said no, but it wasn't awkward.
If those 3 specific criteria are met, it's probably fine to ask her if she wants to get a coffee. If she's just being a friendly waitress and you don't know anything about her other than, "Gee whiz, what a friendly / pretty waitress," it's more or less totally inappropriate. You're attracted to the image she's projecting while on the job, not her as a person.
Wow.... I disagree strongly and feel your tossing the creeper label into the situations cited to casually. Your entitled to your opinion and I won't argue it with you. Food for thought, if you applied Heinlein's quote in your sig to the OPs situation then asked him what he thought, what would be his opinion I wonder?
OP, Whatever choice you make or however it turns out, I wish you luck.
Since their entire interaction is visual, unless the OP is the hottest thing on two legs, he's going to get gently shot down. Even if he *is* the hottest thing on two legs, he'll probably get shot down anyway, as dating a customer has got to be awkward.
Besides her beauty and occupation, what else is OP supposed to know about this woman before asking her on a date? Her cat's name? Her favorite color? The whole point of asking someone out on a simple date like this is to find out these things, to discover more about each other and see if you want to date more of each other.
I have no idea what being a well rounded human being has to do with hitting on someone you do not know in an inappropriate fashion.
Aside from, you know, understanding not to do that.
— Robert Heinlein
When did women become citizens in need of exaggerated protections Quid? Or to a lesser extreme, that all working women of the service industry or otherwise are portraying a role that is sacrosanct?
I understand there is a rape culture that does need to be fought and discouraged in the young and old alike, but you guys turning this situation into some type of power play/creepy guy preying on the girl for asking her out at work has reached ridiculous levels. Reread the OP, he is (edit was so his age is accurate) 20 years old who finds the girl attractive and wants to get to know her. He was courteous enough not to approach her while she was busy. He came here asking for advise and some was really good and some borderlines on internet white knighthood to a sad extreme. We don't need to be telling this kid that certain people are off limits because other people do not know how to behave themselves, most people do know how to behave appropriately, gasp, even be shot down with grace and a smile. On top of that we are teaching him that by even thinking of breaking this foolish taboo you guys have created makes him less of a person. No sir, you are simply wrong.
Then sadly your own hardened preconceptions of inappropriateness apparently have blinded you to the greater point he was trying to make about the human experience.
I said someone.
Asking out someone, anyone, when the power dynamic is grossly out of whack is unfair. If you don't think so you are quite simply wrong.
My apologies then. I was posting with the threads topic direction in mind.
For context, this is what the OP posted that he thought he might say to the waitress:
Like many, many people have pointed-out, the waitress is presenting an image for her job, so the OP is probably attracted to a mirage. That's not the same as knowing only some surface details about a girl in a club you just met.
It's also inappropriate, barring special circumstances, like many people have also pointed-out.
This is not just about girls, it is inconsiderate to anyone in this position. It's also not limited to asking someone out, pandering politics or religion or any other forced discussion is equally bad. It is simply bad form to force participation of a captive audience user any circumstances. It is, at its very essence, a mild form of coercion.
I don't know where you get this white knight stuff from, no one is saying dating, asking her out, or getting to know her is bad or wrong. We are saying doing so at her place of work is a bad idea, especially if the only reason is her looks. If he gets to know her, one on one, though banter and time of the two developing any kind of bond beyond guy looming at girl from afar, then this would be a different thread altogether.
Context is important. This isn't Earl and Bessie At the corner diner, bantering playfully each morning over pie. Maybe it could be, eventually. But right now? This is someone mooning over the prom queen from across the cafeteria.
— Robert Heinlein
Let's agree to disagree on this one ok?
--LeVar Burton
There are social places that people usually go when they want to meet people to date. 'Work' is not one of those places. That's not to say that it is never ever appropriate to ask someone out while you're not at a party or a club or another 'date friendly' venue, but the process should probably be more than, "Girl. Cute. Saw me staring." when you're at a restaurant or on a bus or on a train or in a plane, if you catch my drift.
Food for thought, Where is the problem with the following sentence: I think it is acceptable to kidnap people, you don't. Lets just agree to disagree, ok? Answer: You don't agree to disagree on matters that are morally wrong. While the example is many, many orders of magnitude greater than this situation, both are rooted in the same mindset that is not at all emphatic with the girl being oogled.
Your perspective as presented is inherently selfish and potentially damaging to the woman in the picture depending upon her past (of which we know absolutely nothing). What if someone she met at the restaurant kidnapped her in the past? What if she is hit on every day and hates it? What if she is a lesbian? What if she really just wants to get through work, after a long and tough day, and finds the OP essentially cornering her at work to demand something she doesn't want to give? No thought has gone into what the woman thinks, what her perspective is, and why she might think this is wrong with your standpoint, it isn't a "go for it" deal. It isn't a difference of opinion.
It is selfish and wrong.
— Robert Heinlein
Your taking a lot of licenses to support your supposedly simple argument that its inappropriate to ask someone out at work. Not arguing or debating. Just pointing it out.
Sorry we disagree.
On average he is more likely to be wrong here, but even if he is wrong, there is a way of making it more or less bothersome to this waitress. I'm going to take a giant leap and say that if he leaves a note and never shows up again she won't feel horribly traumatized and objectified. The same goes if he invites her to a non-committal event that he's going to. "Hitting on her" in a very direct way, if she's not interested, may make her awkward, which is annoying, but not an unforgivable sin. And even there, there is variability. If he asks her out, and she hesitates or doesn't seem interested, and he says: "sorry, I didn't mean to bother you," it's just going to be a little awkward for a while, but far from the extremely grim picture that is being painted in this thread. It's up to the individual basis to do the utilitarian cost-benefit analysis. Worst-case, they're both awkward for a while; there are way worse life-debilitating disabilities that require major societal changes to accommodate in the world than being attractive and dealing with the occasional awkwardness. I think spending so much time on this blows it way more out of proportion than necessary.
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I think the OP has enough opinions from frothing psychotics on both sides to get on with his life